I have a confession… Lately, my heart has ached when I see the beautiful woman my husband likes on TikTok and watches on TV. (We both like to watch the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders for different reasons. He likes the girls, and I like the dancing.)
Before you roast my husband for being an insensitive jerk, he isn’t. His behavior is consistent with the rules we established for our relationship. He never lies to me or hides things from me. He doesn’t download anything to save on his phone. He doesn’t carry on conversations or relationships with other women. He’s just looking at beautiful women.
He loves me. I have zero doubts about that. He goes above and beyond every day not just to tell me I’m beautiful and that he loves me but to show me too. I truly couldn’t ask for a better husband. If a perfect 10 showed up on our doorstep asking him to leave me for her, he wouldn’t. I was his first choice 25 years ago, and I’m still his first choice.
If I asked him to delete TikTok for me, he would, but that wouldn’t fix the problem, because I’m the problem.
For the last few months, I’ve been working hard to shed the last of the weight I gained in my late 30s. I spent most of my 40s struggling with emotional eating and low self-esteem. I’m down 80 pounds and so much more confident than I was ten years ago.
My husband is my biggest cheerleader. He knows what I looked like before I gained weight. He loves me as I am now and has never needed me to lose the weight to love me or find my beautiful. He also gets why it’s so important to me to heal the trauma that caused the weight gain so I can get my body back. He supports me 100%.
But lately, I’ve been frustrated by how slow it’s going. Instead of looking in the mirror and appreciating my progress, I’ve been letting old voices back in my head and seeing only the weight that still needs to come off. Instead of appreciating my own beauty, I’ve been comparing myself to 25-year-old cheerleaders.
I’ve lost 80 pounds. I’ve gone from a size 18 to a size 10. Some of my size 10 clothes are too big, so I’m close to size 8. I’ve gone from a 41-inch waist to a 27-inch waist. That’s something to be proud of and should be the focus of my energy. I should be celebrating how far I’ve come.
So every day, I’m reminding myself to appreciate what’s good. I’m reminding myself to listen to my trainer and my husband. I’m reminding myself that I’m just 10 pounds from the best shape of my life at almost 50.
Quieting the negative voices from toxic past relationships is hard, but it’s so worth it. Never let those voices–or comparing yourself to others– Steal your joy.
