I hate apologizing, but not for the reason you might think. I hate it, because I apologize for EVERYTHING.
My ex-husband once told me that I never apologize. I know now that he is a covert narcissist and was emotionally manipulating me. I didn’t know that then.
Back then, I was trying to do everything I could to make my relationship work. I was constantly working on myself to make myself worthy of being loved. I took what he said to heart, and I began apologizing for everything… Even for just being me.
I can remember so many arguments when I would be attacked for behaving in some way that had never bothered him before but was suddenly a problem. I would end up apologizing and begging forgiveness for just being myself.
By the end of our marriage, he was complaining about everything he had claimed to have loved about me… And I was still apologizing.
I look back on it and wish I had the courage and self-respect back then to stand up for myself.
I’m grateful, though, that I have amazing friends and the Alanon program to keep working on my self-esteem. It gave me the courage to walk away and find real love and happiness.
But I still catch myself apologizing for things that are out of my control or for not being good enough. Thankfully, my husband and my friends understand why I do it and remind me that I have nothing to apologize for.
Maybe one day I can reserve apologies for when I make a mistake.
